do people really see that its a joke?

v i c e

2008-02-07T08:22:08Z

i'm still enjoying this.
that's why I made a mess.

reclusive.

2005-04-15T06:16:03Z

I am flat on my back, yet again.

in your head you were.

2004-12-12T04:51:10Z

Feelings remain the same about one chance. Kills me everytime, or gets me? Either, I suppose, will suceed.
Happier? Fitter possibly? I'm not quite sure. I'll play the next month over.

And then wait to be bottled up cage. Ha. I've lost many things that I should have in my life. No. Head. They haven't gone anyway, and I still remain to stand there scatterbrained and waiting for them to start. I am the starter, and my beginnings will help my much needed ends. Much needed.

Pointless. My better part remains with my past self. I just hope the future improves and the bacardi keeps revolving.

cover me.

2004-10-31T19:03:05Z

This is really dangerous.

Everyone has figured me out.
Since the second they met me.
No.
I played and became the fool.
Believing that everyone didn't know.
Nor bothered to care.
I don't look like an idiot.
I am.

Allow me to sleep.

for now.

2004-10-21T03:16:47Z

I slipped away. I slipped on a little white lie. We've got heads on sticks. You've got ventriloquists. Standing in shadows at the end of my bed. Rats and children follow me out of town. Rats and children follow me out of their homes. Come on kids...

Waking up alone is an utter state of hope.

2004-09-01T06:36:42Z

Adam once enlightened me on an anecdote about life and drugs. I was completely ignorant at the time. I didn’t listen to reason. I am now currently a man obsessed with the reality of wanting to become a Heroin Addict. I’m curious to see if Adam will be accurate.

Last night, I attended a show. Truly inspiring. Facts and uncertainties became irrelevant, the headline act combined the styles of performances I’ve had spinning around my head for years. An act that I am thankful I didn’t overlook. Today is September the first. All the ambitions and imaginings of what I contemplated my short break would be like were clearly fictional. A little fantasy world in my head. Depressive? I am not in a current state of readiness. I’m not quite prepared, physically and mentally, for the next stages upcoming in life.

I complain about lack of friends. True to a point, I expect too much. More. Death hasn’t been circling around the old cranium as much lately. Insomnia has, possibly, replaced loss of life. Nyquil only creates numbness. Tylenol P.M. creates old legs pains to reoccur, but helps more. I acquire more and more each night.

Summer never started. Entirely continual and repetitive disappointments.

star.star... teach me how to shine. teach me so I know whats going on in your mind.

2004-08-14T08:39:45Z

There is no life. I know. To compare with pure imagination.

And the Star. Stars, perfectionists star people. They have fallen. But no one has seen them. Not a body, Except their own mirrors. Mirrors help them to see. But their minds still know their loneliness. They toss and turn forever. Until they find. The right...star. Stars teach them how to shine. And perfect their minds.

Tonight is a Friday. I realize this fact, Friday the 13th I might add, after assembling myself about my house. The entire day. There is something about staying in the sheltered home on a Friday. The melancholy level flies. Trivial though. I rant too much? Maybe I should question further acquaintances about that matter. Later. Yes, death sounded interesting tonight.

I have a group of citizens in my head. Eight, to be exact. That our in my cranium device. Head. And they wouldn’t leave. A year it’s been. I’ve told some friends. I don’t want the attention turned towards me. I think about that film and that book. If I shoot my head open…do they leave?

I don't understand when all the people talk and talk forever. Let it. Fall.

time is an enemy. it grows. to fast...I'm not strong enough.

2004-07-26T07:11:41Z

I rarely visit the past. But I did read my last entry. It think it was to randomly stated to piece together. Bu then again, I think it was the almost perfect entry. Because? Because it acutally explain my exact thought(s).

Is there anything else to say? I can't believe the things I've done. Rarely, rarely I have my thoughts. But every-so-often. Death sounds nice. Like a gift, unopened yet. hm, I think I just opened the back of the package and peaked inside. Like. Liked?

My favorite musical piece is a track by a repeative (yet to be) forgotten band. Its entitled "Drunk Again." Fits like a puzzle in so many ways. But, the title of the track doesnt fit too well though.

I think I just have run low on hoping. And waiting for the new. I should possibly restock on that. Maybe I'm just wasting. Waste... that sounds filimar.

but sometimes its not just a joke, I am. Lets just agree.

2004-07-13T06:56:29Z

When the right song is playing...And everything seems so nice. Similar to the earth utterly stopped, and the sky, along with your mind, is so fucking content. But then you read something. Ah. This fucking corrupted internet obessed society. You read something on the screen. This screen. Dark, fucking screen. You read. And you smile, because you know you're ready to just take that knife and just. stab. stab. fucking stab away.

I ~~was~~ am a child.
I ~~was~~ am a vice.

My communications are not a fact. I wish she can just find me. The scene. Where I'm just laying on the floor on the side of the room with the long food tables. And that person just walks up and flips it around. everything. I think I'm repeating myself. In life and in text. I just wish. Wish. That I can go up to everyone I've ever met, and just tell them sorry. Sorry. For whatever I've done. Whatever I'm going to do. And Sorry. Mainly. For being alived. For fucking up their future life. Sorry.

That's why I made a mess.

thirty three minutes; forty five seconds.

2004-07-09T08:49:56Z

sometimes we just have our days when we want to dig a hole, and just fall in it. Today, well... its 1:18am.. so technically it was yesterday, has been the day where I had no physical or mental attraction for leaving my house. So, many people still came to me today. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not.

My social contact constisted of the telephone and aol instant messenger. Two sucides attempts, Three upset involving a fight with parentals, One involving a fight with a close friend, and the rest were just to talk about their lives. Some people I enjoy talking to though. Some of them have such complex and layered lives, most without realizing it. I think I made both the suicide attempters feel worse, and made them come closer to death. I will never forgive myself. What if it lead back to my own words?

We could start again. Sometimes I think of my life. If my life involved taking a knife and inserting in the neck. Pure genius. The knife in the neck. But how fast will they all get over it? Sometimes, well, most of the time, I wonder why people actually engage in conversation with me. I mean, what do I have to offer? I mainly get the feeling the social activity is strictly for pity.

I know things about myself. I know I will never fill full that lovely dream of me actually amounting to something in the musical field. Ah, it sure is a nice dream though. If I had rythum, if I gained talent, what if...? what if. Oh man. If only.

And you know. You're beautiful when you're dead. Ah, acrobatic tenement.

Last night, like every night, I laid on my bed, my hard bed for full back support, for my weak, painful back, I laid with my ears in tune with radiohead. Ah radiohead. The band everyone loves to be loved with it. Even if no one is looking. I realized this. Radiohead is life. I heard a coldplay fan say the same thing once, but about coldplay of course. It was years ago, but I remember. Radiohead is what makes up my life.

I mean. I say the simpsons is the only thing that is keeping me alive, but I think that's for the surface, the digital camera/livejournal/american eagle outfitters filled surface. But under the surface, its radiohead. I can not seem to care if there is another single radiohead fan on the earth. I always try to get my friends into them, but why? I shouldnt try, I'm not Mr Impossible. I should bottle them up for myself. Have them as mine, my mind understands their music so well... it brings something to my soul that nothing else could.

I always go through these stages where I love a certain band for along time. But always, as much as I dont think it will happen, the band's music fades in time. And the joy I once had for them gets lost. But radiohead, radiohead have had this ...grip, on my body. It has never felt like a stage or emotion or music. Radiohead is life. Its more than just the music as well.

Thom Yorke, I say he's my idol. But everyone has their idols. Thomas? Cause he's mine, my idol, outside and in. Saying you want to be Thom Yorke isnt saying you want to be much...as a normal person. Apart from Yorke's amazing ability for music, he is a extreme paranoid, political, and lonely person. I don't think there is any glamour in him. And not the glamour you find where it's "cool not to have glamour when you're in a band." Like Chris Martain, he claims he doesn't have glamour, but like everyone who emerges in the fame scene, they secretly crave it. And Chris saying he's not glamourous is only a cheap excuse so people can think he's "cool" because he's "real"

But I think even if Thom tired to have glamour, he couldnt. He's too paranoid. I want to be Thom for, well, obiviously the amazing musical talents. Thom focuses on the gutiar and piano...just like me. But I want to be him also because his mind set. His mind. He's not right really in the head, but I want to be that way. Nevermind, I cant explain through text.

Imagine though. That little room, mistaken as a venue. Only about 30-35 people standing and sitting in it. And me, with an acoustic, a stool, and a microphone. Not in the center, but close to the way oppisite side from the door. Just closing my eyes, and singing 'Bulletproof.. I wish I was.' My eyes shut and my mind exploring. Not even noticing what the person to my left is wearing, and for a second there, almost forgetting that I was even in that room, was I still on my bed by myself? Was I playing in the back of my friends truck with my two best buddies? It didn't matter.

Thom's voice is often looked down upon for being whiney and depressing. If only people wouldn't listen to his voice. They need to feel his voice. It doesn't matter what the lyrics are, just feeling the voice. Thom uses his voice as an instrument. Imagine his voice as the guitar, and the guitar as the vocals. Radiohead is the biggest current band in the world only because people in different counties, who listen to radiohead, they cant speake english. They dont know what Thom is saying. But they feel his voice. They don't need to understand. They know the emotions, and feelings, the plastic vibes Thom sends out while singing. Listen to a bootleg of radiohead's shows in France. Between songs, the band speaks in english, and the audience doesn't have a clue what they're saying. But when Thom starts playing a song, everyone goes crazy. They sing along, they don't know what they're saying. But they know the feeling they're giving out while singing along.

I don't ever want to leave this house. I want to dig my own hole, fall in it, and never return. Just have radiohead by my side. Its not music to me. Its not a feeling or a memory, Its something that I cant explain.

The good times are killing me. I wish they would really physically kill me. A life without...living. That doesn't sound as bad as everyone claims it to be.

you realize.

2004-06-26T07:38:27Z

I joined three cults today. Forgettable ones, that no one will ever take a third glance at. I suppose I've enjoyed how the week has gone by. I associated with more people than I thought I would. Social activity is good, especially if you have a minor case of split personality disorder. People also supplied hope for future activity as well.

My mother seems to be starving herself. I overheard her telling my father tonight while eating yet another piece of left over costco cake. It’s ok when friends starve. It’s weird when my mother does.

Suicide has drifted out of my mind for a while. Today, Sally came to Amber's house while I was there. I enjoyed seeing her because she has such a diverse mind and I love every conversation she engages with, weather I take part of it or not. But, unfortunately, Sally is one of this people who repeatedly tells me that we will employ in social activity, but in reality, I get the feeling she can care less. Which I'm fine with, I suppose. I think I need to forget the idea of us being friends, but rather acquaintance.

Kid A. Track four. The unremarkable track on the album that gets notices full speed, and then drops to the state of nothing. Unnoticed. In a state of readiness. Till the listener decides to pick up the trend of the masterpiece again. I went through this state couple months into my layer of life, radiohead.

Lyrics:
That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
I'm not here
In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah, it's gone
I'm not here
I'm not here
Strobe lights
And blown speakers
Fireworks
And hurricanes
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Ok. Its late, but I’ll write.
This is a song I imagine was written about a teenager, or possibly an extremely insecure adult. The setting: A party. The person thinking up the lyrics, lets say it’s a guy, since I am a guy it’s easier for me to make similes. This guy is at a teenage party. Him being a teenager of course. He was invited by an invite, and once reached the party, he has realized he doesn’t belong there. This guy is always put down as an outcast around school and church and such, but before the party, his heart and emotions flew his life up high.

He’s mind set was determined that this was the night he would be noticed amongst his peers, he would finally be able to talk to the girl he likes, he will finally meet all the cool guys who just seem to relax and have fun all of the time. They all seem so perfect to him. He watches them talk and creates these assumptions of their lives. They possess no depression, no insecurities, no virginities. He wants to know them, to be them.

He arrives at the party only to find he is a society outcast there as well. He walks through the dance floor, going unnoticed, even sneered out at. He hears a girl whisper to her similar blonde best friend, “Who invited him?” He finds the snack table, and slowly slips down to the ground, and under the table, no one noticed. No one cared. As he lies there, under the table, the song writes itself.

That there, That's not me
The song has already started with the exact moment he stares at the people’s legs at the party from under the snack table. He sees the good looking, powerful, social able guy who is gently asking the girl, his girl, the one he was adored for months, to dance with him. He stares at this popularity king and thinks, that there. That isn’t me.

I go, Where I please
His mind set has changed once he noticed that the girl he masturbates to at night giggled off and accepted the better man’s proposal to dance. He imagines himself as the cool guy. That guy, in his mind, is everything. He can do anything. He can go where ever he wants, and do what he pleases. Laying there, under the table, his eyes widen, with jealously.

I walk through walls. I float down the Liffey
Seeing the social ably scene kid, dancing with his dream girl, pressed up against her, made the guy, laying on the floor, create more assumptions. He thinks to himself that he is worthless. He sees this other guy, able to get his girl, get friends, gets life, better than does. He continues to pretend his is this guy, and think he can walk through walls and float down the liffey. Imagination takes over his head.

I'm not here. I'm not here
Reality strikes back. He is reminded. That isn’t him dancing with that girl over there. He cant walk through walls or go where he wants. He is the nobody. Under the table. Dateless and emotionally shattered. He repeats to himself, he isn’t there, he isn’t there, none of this is happening.

In a little while. I'll be gone
He sees the front door between the people’s legs, thinking about leaving. But he cant, he has this attraction. He needs to see what’s going to happen next. Inside, he still has this small imagination that he might actually get the balls to get out of under the table, walk up, and take the arms of “his” girl, and dance with her. Although, he knows this will never happen, he still hopes. But he agrees with himself that soon, he will be gone.

Strobe lights. And blown speakers
Moving his eyes from the front door and the girl of his dreams, he gazes around the room, describing things around him that he sees. Strobe lights and speakers blasted so loud till they burst, both things are very commonly found at parties. Depresses him. He never had a party with any of these items. A cake and a candle. Few balloons. That’s all he has ever gotten.

Fireworks. And hurricanes
He starts creating humor. He thinks, what’s next at this party, did the parents of the host supply fireworks as well? Are they going to blast the neighbor down? Destroy this street like a hurricane just for some party.

I'm not here. This isn't happening
The song on the dance floor is competed and he glances up at the girl he likes with the popular guy. They walk off, he first assumption. Making out. He is lower than he’s ever been. The popcorn and chip filled floor starts to feel like it’s sinking. He wishes to himself, he isn’t there. None of this is happening.

I'm not here. I'm not here.
He closes his eyes and repearts it over and over. He isn’t there. He, doesn’t want to be there.
End.
The last line of the song is definitely the climax of the song. Thom lashes out his voice into a higher octave and makes the little hairs not only stand up, but dance around. His voice moves along with the whale sounds, repeating the word “here”

Anyways, that’s my interpretation of the song. Mostly likely, everyone else’s varies. That’s what I imagine when I hear this track though, Thom creates depth. I enjoy so much. The whale sounds are lovely as well. Like no other. Once the song starts, the guitar kicks in alternating between variations of the C and Em chord. Its lovely. Then, the bass riff. I think the bass riff described this guy’s emotions. Starts low, but builds its way up, only to go back down. I have another little story about Thom Yorke and Michael Stipe involving this song, but that’s for another day.

Tomorrow will consist of alcohol with Sara. I hope to visit a friend during the day though. I hope a friend contacts me first, rather than I go to them. I hope I have a friend.

my friends. my habits. my family.

2004-06-22T06:34:04Z

tonight is going to be a night I am always going to remember.
always.

Its the night I should have killed myself. Its a half an hour till tomorrow starts.
I had one chance. one chance. to get everything right.

Today is the strangest day I've ever experienced. In the back of my head, I just wanted to stay in my house. So I did. I didnt even have a shred of attaction to go outside. so I didnt.

My mind floated throughout the day. But I didnt really even noticed.

I am so content right now.

One Chance by modest mouse makes me want to die. And live. My life. nevermind.

The only thing keeping my alive is the simpsons. Yes. I am a lame-o. But people have people. I just finished watching the 11 pm episode. All three episodes that aired today were. were life.
Apperication.

I have one chance to get everything right.

I will always remember this day.
the day I should have.
died.

ryan_seacrest @ 2004-06-18T09:51:00

2004-06-18T16:54:07Z

i feel like I'm kind of alone.
I cant find a friend.
that I think considers me a close friend to them back.
yesterday my brother graduated.
I wonder, If I just graduated. Would I spend the rest of my time alone?
I think my day will constist of buying clothes at Macys and going to my sister's graduation.
And my computer. oh, the computer.
more later. maybe. eh. yeah.

soma.

2004-06-18T16:49:55Z

I
Want.
To
turn
you
on.

his name.

2004-05-17T05:13:22Z

his name is robert paulson. his name is robert paulson. his name is robert paulson. his name is robert paulson. his name is robert paulson. his name is robert paulson. his name is robert paulson. his name is robert paulson.

his name is robert paulson.
his name is robert paulson.
his name is robert paulson.
his name is robert paulson.
his name is robert paulson.

I am Tyler Durden.
[the things you own, own you]

ryan_seacrest @ 2004-04-18T10:20:00

2004-04-18T17:18:19Z

ghborwganvoklangbfdshbfds
I saw everclear yesterday!!!!!
gfagov;dban; nutahorvahhhhhhhhhhhhh

more later....

I wanted to be I will.......

2003-12-26T05:16:43Z

Ok, this is my final result from this quiz:

You are: How I Made My Millions.
Simple, pure, and extremely hard to understand.
After leaving, people often wonder what the
strange noises in the background were.

What Radiohead Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

These are just the other results... cause i want to be every RH song

ha ha ha:
You are: Creep.
You need to be more assertive, otherwise the person
of your dreams will just be running out the
door...

What Radiohead Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are: Fake Plastic Trees.
Fed up with commercialism and how people want to be
the same, you want to drive around shopping
malls in a trolley. In a metaphorical sense,
of course.

What Radiohead Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are: Motion Picture Soundtrack.
You're like a church organist who's just had his
heart cut out with a rusty spoon and is now
pining for the person who left him. We feel
for you...(nice chords, by the way).

What Radiohead Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

ryan put this on his site. as if he's proud???

2003-12-24T05:42:02Z

ryaaaaaannnnn get a life.

if these were on shirts at hot topic, I would buy them....

2003-12-23T20:54:08Z

2003 in music

2003-12-19T02:04:43Z

OK, so, Instead of watching one of those lousy foxs music of 2003 awards with all those crappy performers, just stick around and read my "best picks of 2003" awards.
These are all my absolute favorite music things of this past year. Ok, so here we go:
Jordan's Best music in 03 Awards:

Song of the Year:
Hey Ya - Outkast

Video of the Year:
Go with the flow - queens of the stone age

Best Album:
by far.... Hail to the Theif - radiohead

Best Rock album:
Slow motion daydream - everclear

Best Local band ablum:
rump shaker - suburban legends

Best live act:
radiohead - sept 25th, 2003 at The hollywood bowl

Best New Artist/Band:
beyonce

Best new Local Artist/Band
The Littlest man

Biggest Disappointment in an Album:
Janes Addiction - Strays

Biggest disappointment:
everclear taking a two year break

Best techno artist:
benni benassi

best techno beat:
hollywood - madonna

Most overplayed songs in my room/Best tracks to download
everclear - blackjack
radiohead - i will
the pixies - where is my mind
madonna - hollywood
everclear - science fiction
Janes Addticion - Jane says
smashing pumpkins - soma
everclear - sparkle
radiohead - scatterbrain, idioteque (live), true love waits, bullet proof.. I wish I was, let down, all radiohead!

Best dance video:
justin timberlake - rock your body

Artist/Band of the Year:
radiohead

there you go. comment if you disagree.
<3 jordan

the story of my life... please read it....

2003-12-12T00:36:02Z

ME:

I am just a boy working in a record store. Yes, I moved to ~~San Francisco~~ Huntington Beach, Just to see what I could be. I am a loser geek Crazy with an evil streak. Yes, I do believe there is a
Violent thing inside of me.

She

She is just a girl. She is doing what she can. She dances topless, when she's not playing in her band. Such a pretty girl, happy in an ugly place. Watching all the pretty people doing lots of ugly things.

Life:

I think it's getting better for the two of us. Yes, I think it's getting better almost everyday. I could give a damn for what those people say. All I want to do is lose myself in your room. All you want is just a slow fuck in the afternoon. I still see those scary guys when I am all alone at night. I kiss the ring you gave me, then I swing with all my might. I think it's getting better for the two of us. I think it's getting easier for you and me to agree. That the white men in the black suits, they are diminishing. Yes, I think they are diminishing. Yes, I think they diminish you. And they diminish me. I think they are diminishing. You know sometimes I hear those people say

Yeah she takes a bus over to the northside of the city. She goes to work, stripping for the rich white men All the words they give her make her feel so soft and pretty. She wears them but they never ever seem to fit. Yes, I think it's getting better for the two of us. Yes, I think it's getting better in the worst way. I refuse to be afraid of almost anyone. Afraid of all the things they do or the words that they say. Let's live the way we want to live and hope they go away. I really hope they go away. I really hope they find a nice place. I hope they find it somewhere. I hope they go away

I can still hear all those people say...

Lundy, Fastnet, Irishsea

2003-12-10T00:56:59Z

somedays. I truly do hate everything. I just try to make it seem like, I dont. I never want to be a depressive maniac who wants people to feel bad for me when I'm down even though I have friends and I dont go crazy and just start yelling at someone because I'm mad at the moment.

but then again sometimes I do. I always, always swollen my emotions because I never want to let people see my true self and who I truly am. I know if I do that, people will not really want to be my friend. Hell, I wouldnt even want to be my friend. So I always stay on the same emotion, even if my mind is spinning out of control into different emotions (sad, happy, crazy, lonely) I always just stay the same. I'm not sure how to explain my usual emotion. but if you know me, then u know the emotion. Its how I act, everytime I'm around you.

The day dreams have gotten worse. I was sure I would get rid of them this weekend, but they got worse instead. They've completely taken over my mind, body... and life. Its been hard to live lately. I cant think of anything esle, other than this daydream. I literally live in a dream. My body is here, but my mind is always there, in the day dream.

i have almost lost it completely.

there I needed to tell someone. thanks deadjournal, your a true friend, u always listen and never talk back, you never break my heart or say something dumb. you always just listen to what i have to say.
xxxbaby alligators. in the sewers.xxx

here. I'm alive.

2003-12-09T05:12:01Z

BEST PICTURE EVER:

<3

shake it shake it shake it....

2003-12-04T01:27:43Z

hello hello once again
so yeah, just went and got me ticket for winter wonderland show. who's going? Tomorrow should be fun, going to hollywood, going to be on the ellen show. I've been an ellen fan for four year now, I finally get to go and see her up close and meet her.

Ok so Alias on Sunday, best episode ever. I swear, it was soooo good. They made it so different and .. awesome! I couldnt get enough, and then they had like a huge cliffhanger at the end... so of course I'm dying to see what happens on this sunday's new episode. Tonight, new The OC. I missed that last half hour of last week's episode, so I might be a little lost, but Aimee filled me it. Outkast, Hey Ya, song of the year! Other than "go with the flow" by queens of the stone age. Oh yeah, and no worries Beth, I'll get you a DJ code, no matter what. I was thinking yesterday, I really miss Candice. Soon, soon we will see each other again. Ok, I have to say a few things to some people real fast:
Julia Zellie: Dont leave. Dont leave me.
Leah: you rock, thanks for the invite!
Nigel burk: Cheer up kid, there's some good
Aimee: I want your pasta
Sashelle and Katy Chappel: best project ever coming up!
Britteny elder: no worries, me and michelle are coming to save you
Antionette Colemen: take boston. I would laugh.
Sara Hayes: best e-mail ever!
Beth Miller: DJ code and Malibu's most wanted film party? i think so!
ok that's it.
<3

eat some.

2003-11-30T07:55:48Z

being eaten by an alligator is just like sleeping.....

in a blender.