thirty three minutes; forty five seconds.
sometimes we just have our days when we want to dig a hole, and just fall in it. Today, well... its 1:18am.. so technically it was yesterday, has been the day where I had no physical or mental attraction for leaving my house. So, many people still came to me today. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not.

My social contact constisted of the telephone and aol instant messenger. Two sucides attempts, Three upset involving a fight with parentals, One involving a fight with a close friend, and the rest were just to talk about their lives. Some people I enjoy talking to though. Some of them have such complex and layered lives, most without realizing it. I think I made both the suicide attempters feel worse, and made them come closer to death. I will never forgive myself. What if it lead back to my own words?

We could start again. Sometimes I think of my life. If my life involved taking a knife and inserting in the neck. Pure genius. The knife in the neck. But how fast will they all get over it? Sometimes, well, most of the time, I wonder why people actually engage in conversation with me. I mean, what do I have to offer? I mainly get the feeling the social activity is strictly for pity.

I know things about myself. I know I will never fill full that lovely dream of me actually amounting to something in the musical field. Ah, it sure is a nice dream though. If I had rythum, if I gained talent, what if...? what if. Oh man. If only.



And you know. You're beautiful when you're dead. Ah, acrobatic tenement.

Last night, like every night, I laid on my bed, my hard bed for full back support, for my weak, painful back, I laid with my ears in tune with radiohead. Ah radiohead. The band everyone loves to be loved with it. Even if no one is looking. I realized this. Radiohead is life. I heard a coldplay fan say the same thing once, but about coldplay of course. It was years ago, but I remember. Radiohead is what makes up my life.

I mean. I say the simpsons is the only thing that is keeping me alive, but I think that's for the surface, the digital camera/livejournal/american eagle outfitters filled surface. But under the surface, its radiohead. I can not seem to care if there is another single radiohead fan on the earth. I always try to get my friends into them, but why? I shouldnt try, I'm not Mr Impossible. I should bottle them up for myself. Have them as mine, my mind understands their music so well... it brings something to my soul that nothing else could.

I always go through these stages where I love a certain band for along time. But always, as much as I dont think it will happen, the band's music fades in time. And the joy I once had for them gets lost. But radiohead, radiohead have had this ...grip, on my body. It has never felt like a stage or emotion or music. Radiohead is life. Its more than just the music as well.

Thom Yorke, I say he's my idol. But everyone has their idols. Thomas? Cause he's mine, my idol, outside and in. Saying you want to be Thom Yorke isnt saying you want to be much...as a normal person. Apart from Yorke's amazing ability for music, he is a extreme paranoid, political, and lonely person. I don't think there is any glamour in him. And not the glamour you find where it's "cool not to have glamour when you're in a band." Like Chris Martain, he claims he doesn't have glamour, but like everyone who emerges in the fame scene, they secretly crave it. And Chris saying he's not glamourous is only a cheap excuse so people can think he's "cool" because he's "real"

But I think even if Thom tired to have glamour, he couldnt. He's too paranoid. I want to be Thom for, well, obiviously the amazing musical talents. Thom focuses on the gutiar and piano...just like me. But I want to be him also because his mind set. His mind. He's not right really in the head, but I want to be that way. Nevermind, I cant explain through text.

Imagine though. That little room, mistaken as a venue. Only about 30-35 people standing and sitting in it. And me, with an acoustic, a stool, and a microphone. Not in the center, but close to the way oppisite side from the door. Just closing my eyes, and singing 'Bulletproof.. I wish I was.' My eyes shut and my mind exploring. Not even noticing what the person to my left is wearing, and for a second there, almost forgetting that I was even in that room, was I still on my bed by myself? Was I playing in the back of my friends truck with my two best buddies? It didn't matter.

Thom's voice is often looked down upon for being whiney and depressing. If only people wouldn't listen to his voice. They need to feel his voice. It doesn't matter what the lyrics are, just feeling the voice. Thom uses his voice as an instrument. Imagine his voice as the guitar, and the guitar as the vocals. Radiohead is the biggest current band in the world only because people in different counties, who listen to radiohead, they cant speake english. They dont know what Thom is saying. But they feel his voice. They don't need to understand. They know the emotions, and feelings, the plastic vibes Thom sends out while singing. Listen to a bootleg of radiohead's shows in France. Between songs, the band speaks in english, and the audience doesn't have a clue what they're saying. But when Thom starts playing a song, everyone goes crazy. They sing along, they don't know what they're saying. But they know the feeling they're giving out while singing along.

I don't ever want to leave this house. I want to dig my own hole, fall in it, and never return. Just have radiohead by my side. Its not music to me. Its not a feeling or a memory, Its something that I cant explain.

The good times are killing me. I wish they would really physically kill me. A life without...living. That doesn't sound as bad as everyone claims it to be.