| v i c e |
[07 Feb 2008|12:20am] |
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mood |
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grey goose and vitamin water. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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precipitate. |
] |
i'm still enjoying this.
that's why I made a mess.
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| reclusive. |
[14 Apr 2005|11:13pm] |
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mood |
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schizophrenic. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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explosions in the sky - yasmin the light. |
] |
I am flat on my back, yet again.
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| in your head you were. |
[11 Dec 2004|08:48pm] |
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mood |
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chance. |
] |
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music |
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Modest Mouse. |
] |
Feelings remain the same about one chance. Kills me everytime, or gets me? Either, I suppose, will suceed.
Happier? Fitter possibly? I'm not quite sure. I'll play the next month over.
And then wait to be bottled up cage. Ha. I've lost many things that I should have in my life. No. Head. They haven't gone anyway, and I still remain to stand there scatterbrained and waiting for them to start. I am the starter, and my beginnings will help my much needed ends. Much needed.
Pointless. My better part remains with my past self. I just hope the future improves and the bacardi keeps revolving.
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| for now. |
[20 Oct 2004|08:16pm] |
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mood |
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ventriloquist |
] |
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music |
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Spoon - Cvantez |
] |
I slipped away. I slipped on a little white lie. We've got heads on sticks. You've got ventriloquists. Standing in shadows at the end of my bed. Rats and children follow me out of town. Rats and children follow me out of their homes. Come on kids...
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| Waking up alone is an utter state of hope. |
[31 Aug 2004|11:08pm] |
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mood |
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Medulla Released. |
] |
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music |
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Thom Yorke - Nice Dream (Acoustic) |
] |
Adam once enlightened me on an anecdote about life and drugs. I was completely ignorant at the time. I didn’t listen to reason. I am now currently a man obsessed with the reality of wanting to become a Heroin Addict. I’m curious to see if Adam will be accurate.
Last night, I attended a show. Truly inspiring. Facts and uncertainties became irrelevant, the headline act combined the styles of performances I’ve had spinning around my head for years. An act that I am thankful I didn’t overlook. Today is September the first. All the ambitions and imaginings of what I contemplated my short break would be like were clearly fictional. A little fantasy world in my head. Depressive? I am not in a current state of readiness. I’m not quite prepared, physically and mentally, for the next stages upcoming in life.
I complain about lack of friends. True to a point, I expect too much. More. Death hasn’t been circling around the old cranium as much lately. Insomnia has, possibly, replaced loss of life. Nyquil only creates numbness. Tylenol P.M. creates old legs pains to reoccur, but helps more. I acquire more and more each night.
Summer never started. Entirely continual and repetitive disappointments.
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| star.star... teach me how to shine. teach me so I know whats going on in your mind. |
[14 Aug 2004|01:25am] |
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mood |
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teach. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Frames - Star Star |
] |
There is no life. I know. To compare with pure imagination.
And the Star. Stars, perfectionists star people. They have fallen. But no one has seen them. Not a body, Except their own mirrors. Mirrors help them to see. But their minds still know their loneliness. They toss and turn forever. Until they find. The right...star. Stars teach them how to shine. And perfect their minds.
Tonight is a Friday. I realize this fact, Friday the 13th I might add, after assembling myself about my house. The entire day. There is something about staying in the sheltered home on a Friday. The melancholy level flies. Trivial though. I rant too much? Maybe I should question further acquaintances about that matter. Later. Yes, death sounded interesting tonight.
I have a group of citizens in my head. Eight, to be exact. That our in my cranium device. Head. And they wouldn’t leave. A year it’s been. I’ve told some friends. I don’t want the attention turned towards me. I think about that film and that book. If I shoot my head open…do they leave?
I don't understand when all the people talk and talk forever. Let it. Fall.
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| time is an enemy. it grows. to fast...I'm not strong enough. |
[26 Jul 2004|12:01am] |
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mood |
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maybe. my heart will know. |
] |
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music |
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Hal Sparks - SOS |
] |
I rarely visit the past. But I did read my last entry. It think it was to randomly stated to piece together. Bu then again, I think it was the almost perfect entry. Because? Because it acutally explain my exact thought(s).
Is there anything else to say? I can't believe the things I've done. Rarely, rarely I have my thoughts. But every-so-often. Death sounds nice. Like a gift, unopened yet. hm, I think I just opened the back of the package and peaked inside. Like. Liked?
My favorite musical piece is a track by a repeative (yet to be) forgotten band. Its entitled "Drunk Again." Fits like a puzzle in so many ways. But, the title of the track doesnt fit too well though.
I think I just have run low on hoping. And waiting for the new. I should possibly restock on that. Maybe I'm just wasting. Waste... that sounds filimar.
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| but sometimes its not just a joke, I am. Lets just agree. |
[12 Jul 2004|11:48pm] |
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mood |
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beautiful ambition. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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interpol - percipitate |
] |
When the right song is playing...And everything seems so nice. Similar to the earth utterly stopped, and the sky, along with your mind, is so fucking content. But then you read something. Ah. This fucking corrupted internet obessed society. You read something on the screen. This screen. Dark, fucking screen. You read. And you smile, because you know you're ready to just take that knife and just. stab. stab. fucking stab away.
I was am a child.
I was am a vice.
My communications are not a fact. I wish she can just find me. The scene. Where I'm just laying on the floor on the side of the room with the long food tables. And that person just walks up and flips it around. everything. I think I'm repeating myself. In life and in text. I just wish. Wish. That I can go up to everyone I've ever met, and just tell them sorry. Sorry. For whatever I've done. Whatever I'm going to do. And Sorry. Mainly. For being alived. For fucking up their future life. Sorry.
That's why I made a mess.
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| thirty three minutes; forty five seconds. |
[09 Jul 2004|01:11am] |
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mood |
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gloaming. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Amber brook on the Telephone. |
] |
sometimes we just have our days when we want to dig a hole, and just fall in it. Today, well... its 1:18am.. so technically it was yesterday, has been the day where I had no physical or mental attraction for leaving my house. So, many people still came to me today. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not.
My social contact constisted of the telephone and aol instant messenger. Two sucides attempts, Three upset involving a fight with parentals, One involving a fight with a close friend, and the rest were just to talk about their lives. Some people I enjoy talking to though. Some of them have such complex and layered lives, most without realizing it. I think I made both the suicide attempters feel worse, and made them come closer to death. I will never forgive myself. What if it lead back to my own words?
We could start again. Sometimes I think of my life. If my life involved taking a knife and inserting in the neck. Pure genius. The knife in the neck. But how fast will they all get over it? Sometimes, well, most of the time, I wonder why people actually engage in conversation with me. I mean, what do I have to offer? I mainly get the feeling the social activity is strictly for pity.
I know things about myself. I know I will never fill full that lovely dream of me actually amounting to something in the musical field. Ah, it sure is a nice dream though. If I had rythum, if I gained talent, what if...? what if. Oh man. If only.
( realizing what means most before you become beautiful )
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| you realize. |
[25 Jun 2004|11:29pm] |
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mood |
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who |
] |
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music |
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radiohead - how to disappear competely |
] |
I joined three cults today. Forgettable ones, that no one will ever take a third glance at. I suppose I've enjoyed how the week has gone by. I associated with more people than I thought I would. Social activity is good, especially if you have a minor case of split personality disorder. People also supplied hope for future activity as well.
My mother seems to be starving herself. I overheard her telling my father tonight while eating yet another piece of left over costco cake. It’s ok when friends starve. It’s weird when my mother does.
Suicide has drifted out of my mind for a while. Today, Sally came to Amber's house while I was there. I enjoyed seeing her because she has such a diverse mind and I love every conversation she engages with, weather I take part of it or not. But, unfortunately, Sally is one of this people who repeatedly tells me that we will employ in social activity, but in reality, I get the feeling she can care less. Which I'm fine with, I suppose. I think I need to forget the idea of us being friends, but rather acquaintance.
( how to disappear completely )
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